His Plan for Me

When I stand at the judgment seat of Christ
And He shows His plan for me
The plan of my life as it might have been
Had He had His way, and I see

How I blocked Him here, and I checked Him there
And I would not yield my will
Would there be grief in my Saviors eyes
Greif, though He loves me still

Would He have me rich, and I stand there poor
Stripped of all but His grace
While memory runs like a hunted thing
Down the paths I cannot retrace

Lord, of the years that are left to me
I give them to thy hand
Take me, and break me, and mold me
To the pattern which thou has planned
- unknown author, Quoted by Ravenhill

I've spent the past couple of weeks reflecting on my short life to a certain degree. As I look back and see the decisions I've made I can see where, just as the poem says, I've failed to yield my will, convincing myself that it's His. I can see where I've really messed things up because of my stubbornness. I've told myself, "Well I want to do the 'Lords work' so this must be in His will!". I'm finding out quickly that isn't always the case. I didn't truly wait on Him. I listened to Godly counsel, and then didn't always follow it. For those of you reading this who have imparted that counsel to me, I apologize. Please understand that I don't say these things in self-pity, but in regret for the things I've done that may have gotten in the way of good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. I understand there's nothing I can do about it now, and because of that fact, I press forward in Him to redeem the time lost.

As Christ leads me onward I'm finding myself having to give up dreams and ambitions I never thought I'd have to let go of. I always thought that my life was "set". I've always known what I was going to do, and I've made it a matter of public knowledge. But He wants all of me, every part, without reservation. I've realized I can no longer justify "holding on". I'm not sure what hymn this quote is from, but it's been floating around in my head for weeks now,

"When Gods fire upon the altar of my heart was set aflame, my ambitions, plans,
and wishes at my feet in ashes lay."

For me, that is every wish, not just the worldly ones. Every dream, not only the fleshly ones. Every ambition that I once held on to saying, "But this one's for Your glory!". Everything must be laid on the altar if my prayer is going to be truly sincere - that I want only His best. I want only His plans, and only His will for every single part of this life that is now His. There can be no part of me in it. The phrase, "I am not my own" is becoming more real than ever it was before. Anyone who's been through this knows that it's not an easy process. But there is such joy in it! Every day I see small evidences of His working in my heart and mind, changing the very fabric of who I am. It builds my faith. Tears come quickly these days as He's breaking me... What a blessing it is! In the sacrifice of dreams and plans I've found a peace that truly is beyond my understanding. There were moments of wavering, wondering, wishing on tomorrow, but He only tells us to pray "this day" for our daily bread. He truly provides all that we need from day to day and even hour upon hour.

I haven't a clue what the future holds for me. And I can truthfully say, with a peaceful heart that I really don't care right now. The only thing I want is to be fully in His will, whatever the cost may be. I want His plan for me.