Friday, September 29, 2006

Who I Really Am

This week has shown me a lot of things about who I really am. How weak I am. How truly frail my faith is. I'm so very far from where I thought I was. It's amazing to me sometimes how much I fool myself. You woulda thought by now I'd have learned that there is nothing good in and of myself. My own advice is foolishness. I'm way too good at convicing myself and the people around me that I have it all figured out. I'd like to say that I would trust God with everything, but I don't. I get scared that He might tell me something I don't want to hear and so I pull away. When He tells me to do something, I don't have much of a choice... I have to obey. So I spent part of the week attempting to stay out of earshot. Which is dumb. Really dumb.
"The fear of man brings a snare, but those who trust in the Lord will be safe." Proverbs 29:25 I've foolishly stepped away from the safety net He's created for me. There is safety in the relationships that He's placed in my life. I need these people.. I need their counsel.

I guess the point is that I'm not going to change. Not this way anyway.. according to Hebrews 5:8 Christ learned obedience from the things that He suffered. If I choose to walk according to the same path He walked then I will learn obedience in that manner as well. Obedience requires discipline.. something I know I don't have right now. Something that I know He has to teach me. I can't change myself. He has to come in and change my very heart, the way that I view things, especially the way that I view HIM! There has to be something taken out of me to produce change. He's constantly bringing new things that need to change into the light.. but I hope it never stops.. it's a sign of His everlasting mercies that are new every morning. I used to think that "mercies new every morning" meant that I start each day with a clean, sinless slate.. but really His mercy is in showing me that I don't, and in allowing His Holy - really holy and perfect - Spirit to produce change in me. His mercy is in Him allowing me to discover who I really am.. and allowing me to become who He needs me to be.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Sleep evades me

Sleeping evades me this night. I had a nap this afternoon, but I don't think that's it. I have to be up and getting ready for work in a little over 2 hours. Somehow... I know that this is the Lord. My spirit is pacing within me. I don't know what this is about. No matter what I do to get comfortable or how still I lie, I have to press my lips together to keep from crying out unutterable prayers. I could second guess this, but I've learned better than that.

What does He want from me?

:After thinking and pondering on some things:

What does He want from me? Obedience. Pure Obedience. What do I want? Obedience. Because with it comes everything that He promised to us. It's finally become clearer than ever.

A couple of weeks ago while sitting in Penny's living room enjoying some fellowship in the light, God began to show me some things about Jesus relationship with the Father. Jesus always, always, always did everything exactly according to what the Father said. Because of this, no matter what happened or what came at Him, he was confident. They could bring no charge against Him that would shake Him. He never felt the need to defend Himself from their false accusations. Look: "My doctrine is not Mine, but His who sent Me. If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority. He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him is true, and no unrighteousness is in Him" ang again, here "If I do not do the works of My Father, do not believe Me; but if I do, though you do not believe Me, believe the works, that you may know and believe that the Father is in Me, and I in Him.”
That's only two examples of Jesus basically telling them "Judge me by my fruit." Can I say that? Do I even want to say that? No.. I bristle at even the slightest accusation against me, true or false. I'm always afraid of my pride and reputation being hurt.. But He made himself of no reputation for the sake of pure obedience.

Now to bring this back around to relationship:

In John 6 where Jesus is speaking to His followers about "eating his flesh" and "drinking his blood" He asks them the question "Does this offend you? 62 What then if you should see the Son of Man ascend where He was before? 63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life. 64 But there are some of you who do not believe." For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him." What blows me away is that He knew from the beginning they would do this. Yet still He obeyed the Father holding nothing back in His relationship with these people. Think about it. These are those who walked with Him and learned under Him. They were close to Him! But he didn't hold himself back from them. He obeyed, regardless of the personal risk. He was not moved by their betrayal. His world didn't rock because they decided they didn't want Him. Then He took it a step further, saying this: Then Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also want to go away?" I honestly have to look at this and think that it really wouldn't have mattered to Him one way or the other if those guys had decided they didn't want to follow anymore. His world would not have been rocked. Because of the relationship He had with the Father, no matter what, He was going to continue on in obedience whether or not anyone went with Him. And really when you look at it over all, no one went with Him. Did even one of those guys follow Him to the cross (John might be the only exception)? Even Peter who expressed his devotion rejected Him. Yet did Jesus once hold back in His affection for the twelve?

Is that where we are in relationship? Is the relationship that I have with the Father so strong that even if the leaders of our congregation were to fall, I would not be moved? Would it shake my world in a way that would threaten my obedience to the Father? Would I still be able to have relationships with God's people? Is my relationship with the Father that steady, that stable?? Would I be able to walk in obedience, loving the saints, even if those I trust the most reject Him? It comes down to this: Is my salvation based soley in Jesus Christ, or is it reliant on the faithfulness of others around me? Am I relying on HIS solid foundation for ME, or on the foundation of others? And the other question is this: Will I obey His command to love one another, regardless of the risk? Will I follow the example He set? Can I put my full confidence in HIM and not in any person?

I want to. I want to walk as He walked... Only He can produce that fruit in me.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Friday Night.. or Saturday.. whichever!

I don't have to work Saturday so I want to do something tomorrow night. I don't care what, I just want to! We haven't seen Amber and Bryan since they moved back to Central, so we definately needa have them come. Please post ideas for stuff to do and if you'll be able to come. Even if we just play games.. I'm up for another game of Scrabble, or maybe even Trivial Pursuit (BJ has the 90's version). And Taboo is fun, as long as I pay attention to whose turn it is.... Scattergories would be fun with Jamie. Hahaha.. it makes me laugh just thinking of it.

Or we could go play pool at the Union. We haven't done that in more than a year.

Lemme know what ya'll think!!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

In appreciation

Most of you should know that I have 4 older sisters. The next one older being 27 - there's a 10 year gap. The only ones I talk to on a regular basis (about once every two weeks or so) are the two oldest - Joy (the oldest, my mothers daughter) and Sarah (my dad's oldest daughter). Both of them have a kid.. I don't know if that has anything to do with them actually wanting to associate themselves with us. But I was thinking about them today, and the way that they've influenced me.

They were both out of the house by the time I was 6 or 7, so I have very few young memories of them except when they came to visit. They moved away quickly.. as in, to other states. I wouldn't talk to them or see them for months. It's only been much more recently that I've begun to pursue a relationship with them. Sarah comes to stay with us for about 2 weeks out of each year, or vice-versa. She's just bundles of fun. She has inspired our love for old movies and my love for good old music. She loves art and foreign languages. She's studied Arabic and is currently studying Russian, just for fun. I love hanging out with her. I wish I could just drop everything and go stay with her for a week.

Then there's Joy. Joy lives about 3 hours away in Mobile.. She's got a very boisterous laugh. And she laughs very easily. It's fun to sit there and exchange stupid stories about momma and Poppy... She's very smart too. I love calling her to ask for a recipe or what-not. She always has great ideas! She's very easy to talk with. When you tell her something, she always has a response, so phone conversations are never awkward. One of the things I love about Joy, have always loved, is her femininity. She almost always looks gorgeous. She's always wearing skirts and pretty shoes, and I can't recall a recent time I've seen her in a t-shirt. I love that!! Even when she's just goin' to the store she's in a casual skirt and shirt. Actually, casual for Joy is most peoples' "dressed up". She inspired me to go out and buy a skirt and blouse today. I love feeling girly!

I really do love my sisters very much. I wish they didn't live so far away. If it were up to me, I'd drop everything and drive over to Mobile this weekend and stay with Joy just to give her and Charles a night away from the baby. But It'll have to wait. That's okay.. she'll be here in a couple weeks for Momma's birthday! And everyone might come for Thanksgiving. I'm excited just thinking about it!

Monday, September 18, 2006


Everyone keeps buggin' me about posting. So here is my honest effort. Since I'm the only one who, up to this point, felt it necessary to post something supremely meaningful every time... I'm just going to tell you the miscellaneous events of the past few days. Beginning with Saturday. Or really... sometime last week... just because it's funny.

At work: one day last week we had this lady come in and ask if her little girl could meet "the muffin man".. She'd been listening to the song; you know how it says "Do you know the muffin man??". Well the little girl told her mommy "I don't know the muffin man!!" So a very reluctant James gave a little girl and muffin and a smile.

Have you ever had super fresh sour gummi worms??? OH MY goodness! It makes such a difference! They were all soft and extra stretchy... mmmmm... One of my co-workers picked some of the red stuff out of all the different kinds of candy we got in and made her own personal little bag of it. We also got some "rum balls".. before I even knew what they were I was dared to try them. They looked exactly like the truffles Jordan made. But YUCK! I can't even describe how nasty it was.

Saturday while driving home from work in traffic I realized how disgustingly dirty my mouth was, I didn't have any water, and it was driving me nuts.. so I'm sitting there wiping my teeth with a napkin, when I realize the problem is that my toungue is just.. gross... (I have one of those tounge cleaning toothbrushes. I'm spoiled. And I'm about to humiliate myself.) So the only thing I could find to clean it was the lid to a pringles can... I'm sitting there scraping my tounge when I look to my left and see that I have a very attentive audience who are staring and laughing... I couldn't help it.. I laughed too. I could only imagine what I looked like.

I need to go get some new blue jeans. I only have one pair and they're too big. Oh yeah, BJ wore new pants Sunday.. I forgot to tell him we noticed. They were cool. Jacob tried to get someone to give him $40.. hahaha.. We played Scattergories and Jordan and I beat everybody!!

So anyway... that's all I have to say for now!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

“My doctrine is not Mine, but His who sent Me. If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority. He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him is true, and no unrighteousness is in Him." John 7:16-18

"If I do not do the works of My Father, do not believe Me; but if I do, though you do not believe Me, believe the works, that you may know and believe that the Father is in Me, and I in Him.”John 10:37-38

These two scriptures have been reverberating through my spirit and mind the past few days. I'm lazy right now and didn't feel like writing them down, so I copied and pasted them here. I would comment on it.. but I'm not sure I fully get it yet. So be patient.

Monday, September 11, 2006

El Senor me ayuda a creer

I've sort of avoided the blog for the past few days. It could be because I'm a lousy updater.. or just that I haven't known what to write!... well that's not really the truth. I've been afraid of what I might write. If you know me, you know that the written word is the way that all the depths of me come crashing out. Is there a way to make this so only a few people can read it? If there is, I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do anything on Blogger... I couldn't figure out how to get my photo to show up, so Beege did it for me. Thank you very much, by the way!

I could drag up the revelation God's been giving me over the past week and a half... It's really just a lot of little stuff that's made me go "Whoa, What a way to look at it!" I've really examinined myself and my doctrine and where I stand. It's been confusing. I've spent some time hashing these things out with the people close to me.. some of the time that settles the issues, and sometimes it raises more questions. More questions isn't a bad thing though. It gives me something to do! Right now the biggest question isn't where I stand... (I think most of you know what I mean by that)

You know what frustrates me? I haven't really put anything of substance on this blog. It's purely ramblings. One of these days I'm going to get the hang of this.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

just trying something

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Be Right Back

You didn't even know I was gone, did you? I'm brushing my teeth here.. I have to be up for work in 6 hours. Just thought I'd drop in and show ya'll what we did this weekend!

See this lovely cake to your left? I made that... see how lumpy the sides are? Yeah.. the filling leaked out. Completely. I was annoyed. But it tasted good, so that's what counts!

See this lovely young lady? That is my 3 year old niece opening a present.. I love her tiara! She was adorable! Even if she did decide that Jordan's her favorite. We spent all day Saturday working on the birthday party, then we took naps.. then we watched dumb movies (Benchwarmers, and Just My Luck) until 2AM.. Sunday morning we went to the huge Mobile flea market where I bought 2 scarves, some bottle top earrings, sunglasses, and a chinese parasol. I'm very satisfied with my purchases..

Sunday night we were at Bob's 'til 2AM... I laughed when he finally told us "Get outa my house!" like he's been threatening to do for months. It was a historic moment in that household. Monday rolled around and everyone was outa town. Jordan and I were bored out of our minds. We really wanted to go horseback riding but the FREAKS at Wanetiri Lakes charge $35 for 1- 1 1/2 hours. Fortunately it only costs $5.45 to go hiking for as long as ya want. It's really very gorgeous out there. We've determined that we all need to go one afternoon. We're planning another trip to Tunica Hills in a few weeks. But the pre-requisit will be trekking at Wanetiri without complaining.. if you can't do Wanetiri for a couple hours then there's no way you can do Tunica for a whole day! We already know BJ can do it.. And we know Jordan is a lone-hiker. But what about Holly? And Lauren? And Jacob? Lesley? Micah, Kandi, Darrin, and Dalton maybe?? Amber and Bryan? Consider this your official invitation to an afternoon at Wanetiri... from there we determine your willingness to conquer Tunica!
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